I loved this article and really understand the dangers of the online thing...that being said, my husband and I met online 25 years ago this past August (our anniversary is coming up in May--quick courtship). We met on a Catholic website that was geared toward people looking for marriage. It was very different than the apps in so many ways. But what it did for us was make the serious Catholic world smaller. I was in Michigan and he was in California. We moved quickly from exchanging emails to talking on the phone to meeting in person. We were both older (let's just say over 35). Now our kids are in their 20's hoping to marry youngish and trying to navigate the world. Our great parish community has not turned up prospects for them...yet... and they are dipping their toes into online ways to meet people, with a goal to move to an in person connections as quickly as possible (and looking only locally). I can see the dangers, but I also see some benefits to finding people what feels like a small but spread out world.
Wonderful essay! I know a young man of 29 whose life is centered on serving at his local church where there are—wait for it—zero single women anywhere near his age. The county in which he lives is tiny, making his quest for a bride even harder. He doesn't own a smart phone and is all about face-to-face relationships. Such an odd time in which we live.
The digital age was designed to keep us apart. The digital age is designed to be a prison as you are enslaved to a machine or computer that can never be human or replace a human in a relationship. I may not be so much a traditionalist, but many of the old ways will never be replaced by the cold and heartless digital age.
I wrote a manuscript last year about how to navigate relationships in a post-traditional world. There is a logic behind the traditions that still apply, even though the traditions have been rejected.
I met my wife because I needed a date to a wedding.
No swipe right. I asked friends if they had any pleasant acquaintances that would share in a joyous event. I didn't want more than that. Just a date please. No more, no less. Perhaps even some dancing.
To avoid sitting at wedding with nothing to say, we agreed to meet up. Which of course led to us hanging out. This was 3 months prior to the wedding. A whole series of coffee 'meetings', sushi, picnics, restaurant visits and other delights...but no, they aren't dates I kept trying to rationalize to myself...
The fateful night of the event arrived and instead of going our separate ways, naturally we decided to discuss continuing to share each other's company...the seeds were already starting to sprout of what would in 2 years' time become another adventure in holy matrimony.
Risk the real. Allow yourself to become uncomfortable.
A phone helped to keep contact, sure. I can't imagine being reliant on only social gatherings...that would have taken ages to get where we were in such a short time...but the phones were not present when we were together...
I appreciate that you describe the symptoms of screen addiction and how that plays out in relationships. I totally agree that people can be more connected to their phones than each other. My favorite line is the part about restoring "our synchrony with real people and the real world." This explains why it has been easier for me to limit screen time than my friends and people I meet: I always think people are the most interesting thing in the room. That seems to be an outdated perspective now. I see young people at restaurants sitting across from each other looking at their phones instead of looking at each other. Instead of striking up a conversation with a stranger, people on airplanes plug in to their individual entertainment. This is a problem of priorities and I chose to prioritize people over screens.
Great insights! Having avenues for wholesome interactions also help young people to practice interpersonal skills too - which (from anecdotal experience) seems to be one of the reasons why some find it hard to build rapport with their Tinder dates!
Thank you for the good work you are doing! I consider this—the attempt to pull off a hostile digital takeover of the human mind and spirit—to be THE critical issue of our time. May your efforts be blessed!
Great article. I read a relative after searching Steubenville Ohio Bookmarx Books since I live in Kent, just a stone's throw away from where the Pride and Prejudice Ball you highlight takes place. Thanks for writing this up!
I just wish you'd included information on how to participate in the ball you mention, which John Byron Kuhner wrote up on his substack!
my wife would trade our story to say we met at a Jane Austen Ball in a heartbeat
loved reading this
sorry this sent early.
synchronicity in relationships is so vital.
we have all this attention to give, and it can reshape love and beauty and culture, and we waste it on these brainwash devices.
and we wonder why we’re so alone.
Great article! My grand-people have begun organizing country dances in their church and the spinoff to the making of community has been wonderful.
The photos accompanying the article spoke to me as well. Are they the authors ’ or is there an attribution?
I loved this article and really understand the dangers of the online thing...that being said, my husband and I met online 25 years ago this past August (our anniversary is coming up in May--quick courtship). We met on a Catholic website that was geared toward people looking for marriage. It was very different than the apps in so many ways. But what it did for us was make the serious Catholic world smaller. I was in Michigan and he was in California. We moved quickly from exchanging emails to talking on the phone to meeting in person. We were both older (let's just say over 35). Now our kids are in their 20's hoping to marry youngish and trying to navigate the world. Our great parish community has not turned up prospects for them...yet... and they are dipping their toes into online ways to meet people, with a goal to move to an in person connections as quickly as possible (and looking only locally). I can see the dangers, but I also see some benefits to finding people what feels like a small but spread out world.
Thanks for sharing your experience Louise! I think your point about moving to "in person connections as quickly as possible" is key.
Levi’s story brought a tear to my spinsterly eye.
Go Levi!
I'll pass on the message :)
Wonderful essay! I know a young man of 29 whose life is centered on serving at his local church where there are—wait for it—zero single women anywhere near his age. The county in which he lives is tiny, making his quest for a bride even harder. He doesn't own a smart phone and is all about face-to-face relationships. Such an odd time in which we live.
The digital age was designed to keep us apart. The digital age is designed to be a prison as you are enslaved to a machine or computer that can never be human or replace a human in a relationship. I may not be so much a traditionalist, but many of the old ways will never be replaced by the cold and heartless digital age.
I wrote a manuscript last year about how to navigate relationships in a post-traditional world. There is a logic behind the traditions that still apply, even though the traditions have been rejected.
I met my wife because I needed a date to a wedding.
No swipe right. I asked friends if they had any pleasant acquaintances that would share in a joyous event. I didn't want more than that. Just a date please. No more, no less. Perhaps even some dancing.
To avoid sitting at wedding with nothing to say, we agreed to meet up. Which of course led to us hanging out. This was 3 months prior to the wedding. A whole series of coffee 'meetings', sushi, picnics, restaurant visits and other delights...but no, they aren't dates I kept trying to rationalize to myself...
The fateful night of the event arrived and instead of going our separate ways, naturally we decided to discuss continuing to share each other's company...the seeds were already starting to sprout of what would in 2 years' time become another adventure in holy matrimony.
Risk the real. Allow yourself to become uncomfortable.
A phone helped to keep contact, sure. I can't imagine being reliant on only social gatherings...that would have taken ages to get where we were in such a short time...but the phones were not present when we were together...
What a splendid story Nico! And this is great advice, "allow yourself to become uncomfortable". Thanks for sharing :)
I appreciate that you describe the symptoms of screen addiction and how that plays out in relationships. I totally agree that people can be more connected to their phones than each other. My favorite line is the part about restoring "our synchrony with real people and the real world." This explains why it has been easier for me to limit screen time than my friends and people I meet: I always think people are the most interesting thing in the room. That seems to be an outdated perspective now. I see young people at restaurants sitting across from each other looking at their phones instead of looking at each other. Instead of striking up a conversation with a stranger, people on airplanes plug in to their individual entertainment. This is a problem of priorities and I chose to prioritize people over screens.
This was fantastic!
Love the emphasis on contexts of cross-generational relationships! YES!
Great insights! Having avenues for wholesome interactions also help young people to practice interpersonal skills too - which (from anecdotal experience) seems to be one of the reasons why some find it hard to build rapport with their Tinder dates!
Thank you for the good work you are doing! I consider this—the attempt to pull off a hostile digital takeover of the human mind and spirit—to be THE critical issue of our time. May your efforts be blessed!
Great article. I read a relative after searching Steubenville Ohio Bookmarx Books since I live in Kent, just a stone's throw away from where the Pride and Prejudice Ball you highlight takes place. Thanks for writing this up!
I just wish you'd included information on how to participate in the ball you mention, which John Byron Kuhner wrote up on his substack!
https://johnbyronkuhner.substack.com/p/2026-pride-and-prejudice-ball-a-glorious?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=post%20viewer
It would have simplified things for me. Now I have to digitize more :/
Thanks for reading Matthias! John Byron Kuhner's article is indeed linked in the essay :)
Missed that.
I'm still left connecting w/him rather than w/the direct information/connection I might have hoped for.